Farmville is her only friend.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I wear drunk well.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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