Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
