i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
