How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
