Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
