May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
