A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
