I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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