so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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