"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Sext me about skeletons
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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