Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize