There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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