They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
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