I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
