theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
