My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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