Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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