tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
