Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
