I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
