i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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