You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i will never coherently bang her
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize