is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
