I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize