Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I just found a bag of teeth...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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