He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
