Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Randomize
