Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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