Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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