Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
