I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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