he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
