Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
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