I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
