I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
