Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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