Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i may or may not be watching the land before time
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
