I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
