he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
