If i could tip my vagina, i would.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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