Im at strip club and am horny
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
