i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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