He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
