dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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