i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
