I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
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