I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Sorry my hands just texted you
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
