is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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