just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
