He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
