I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
