i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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