got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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