I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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