so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
