Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
