I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
