New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
this is an emotional support booty call
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
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