hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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