Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
