I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
