Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
