Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
they're like a gay fantastic four
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
