I wish I could punch you in the face.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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