If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
